Denial

Mark 8:34. Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.

All of these years I have bragged to my husband, "How lucky you are that you have a wife who is so low maintenance!" Low. Maintenance. That was me. Anniversary dinners spent at home over a homemade pizza, birthdays spent low-key with family. I didn't need all of the bells and whistles. That's been my story, my I'msoeasytolove claim to fame.

I got smacked upside the head yesterday about my so-called, self-proclaimed low maintenance status. I was on the way home from a business trip and stopped to re-fuel the car, walking into the gas station I was assaulted with temptation - the temptation of stuff, of junk. No really, it was truly junk. I'm almost embarrassed to admit I about threw myself a pity party over not being able to get the bag of chocolate donuts. You know the ones that really are just chocolate flavored wax over circular cardboard? Yeah, those.

I realized, it's easy to claim that you're low maintenance when in reality you deny yourself nothing. The verse in Mark came to my mind while I was in the gas station, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Denial about denial.

I've been in this state for years and never even realized it. For years I patted myself on the back, two thumbs up in the mirror, "You go girl. You are so easy to love! You've got this." Of course. When I never really have to hear the word "no" it's easy isn't it? It's easy to think we're low maintenance because with the lives we lead we really, truly, in the grand scheme of things, are not denied much. Oh sure we have a budget and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't extremely tight in this season of our lives. We've zeroed out a lot of categories on that budget sheet right now. But really, when I REALLY think about it - I know how to get what I want. I know how to work things out to afford, to pamper, to give myself even my own little piece of Starbucks heaven. I have never denied myself.

But that's not what we're commanded to do, we're commanded to deny ourselves, to follow him. And even more so, the beginning of that verse, "If anyone would come after me..." If ANYONE would come after ME. Jesus is not saying, "Hey, if you feel like it here's a great way..." Nope. If we want to come after Him, which truly is really what this life thing is all about - then we MUST deny ourselves.

How have I gone my entire Christian life without reading this verse in this way? Because I've spoiled myself. Because I've been in denial about denial. Wow. Deny myself. Follow Him. For years I have asked, yearned for a deeper relationship with our Christ and wondered what was blocking the results. But I never once denied myself.

Deny myself. Follow him. It reminds me of a verse my Granddad always shared in James 2:17, "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." He would always tell me that although works would not save us, faith without works is dead. It should be as natural as walking - Faith. Works. Faith. Works. Right foot. Left foot. Right foot. Left foot. Faith. Works. Pretty soon we're doing both so naturally that nobody around us just by watching can tell or is paying attention to whether it's our right foot or left foot, it is just the way we are walking.

It applies I think. Deny myself. Follow Him. Right foot. Left foot. It's a step, just the first one but I'm beginning to realize that once we step with the right, the left follows fairly easily and THAT is my end desire, to Follow Him. I've started, I walked away from the chocolate wax covered cardboard and went straight to my Savior. Denying myself allowed me to follow Him. What a journey. No more denial, but rather acceptance of who I am and excitement for who He will make me to be.

A deeper look into my life... www.clearepic.com

- Tiffany Adams